For the past
couple of weeks three years I’ve been caught up in a fever and I didn’t even know it until it broke.
A combination of a few things happened – I watched a video about a high-end mastermind group I think I’d like to join at some point and saw the passion and determination of all these women that had found their purpose and were creating their visions and I wanted to have that feeling of being that on purpose.
I read Wayne Dyer’s book called The Shift and his message about the shift that many people make in their lives from ambition to meaning nad it really resonated – I think I’m done with more, bigger, better and I sense there’s something more meaningful on offer for me in terms of what I do with my life – but what is it?
I read a parenting book (blog post to come on this one!) that I thoroughly enjoyed and it had a whole chapter devoted to the topic of having our own lives be one of meaning, finding our own passions and following them as a way to inspire our children to create their own wonderful lives instead of vicariously living our lives through them and making sure they’re happy being the sole purpose behind everything we do.
Everything around me seemed to be pointing me in the direction of finding something more meaningful and profound and of service to others to do with my life.
Apparently psychology has proved that as humans it’s essential that we find this meaningful thing in our lives otherwise we’re destined to a live of meaningless purposeless – and every fiber in my being screams against such a possibility.
What’s my thing?
I need to know so I can get focused and get on with it.
In desperation I went through my kindle and found every book I had previously purchased about finding your purpose, the thing you’re supposed to be doing etc etc and re-read them all while I’m away here on holiday and started making lists, crossing things out and trying to find ‘the thing’ I’m passionate about/good at/is fun/ people will pay for.
(Yes, I know, it’s like all the previous insights I’ve shared in other blog posts had never happened. That’s what happens when you’re in a fever.)
Cakes? Sometimes good at, totally in my flow when I do them, no money in it.
Helping people with anxiety with a specific program? Maybe one day but today it’s not grabbing me as the funnest way to spend my time.
Helping people to lose weight given my recent experience of successfully managing to shift the pounds themselves? I look at my coach and I see it’s her thing, not my thing, I just got caught up in the form instead of seeing that what I’m inspired by is someone who’s inspired by their thing.
A blogger who creates and makes beautiful food and photographs and shares recipes for others to make?
A healthy food blogger?
And ten more ideas that I won’t bore you with here.
Last week I created a new website each day for each of these ideas, in essence creating each of these ideas into the form of a business….but then each time I stopped just after the website creation bit. Each time I started to bring them into form I stopped.
Hang on a minute……what if my thing is website creation??????? So I bought a domain and started creating a business that does that.
Perhaps I need to hire someone to help me sort this out after all I have notebooks full of scribbles and ideas about this to no avail, it’s costing me a small fortune in domain names and hosting, and I haven’t spoken to my children for
a week three years as I’m obsessed with working this out.
Yesterday I woke up. The fever broke.
I suddenly saw that but for all my thinking about what I should be doing with my life, I had everything I was seeking, ironically, that I thought I would find through finding my thing.
And I was left with such simplicity: ‘Be here now”.
Really? Could it really be that simple? Yet it was clear.
Be here now. Full stop.
No business plan to be created and no domain to be bought.
But more than that, it shocked me. It stopped me in my tracks. And it felt like truth.
And I’ve been in this transformative conversation long enough to know that those things are all indicators of hearing something at a deeper level than I’ve been scurrying around at so I stopped.
The fever broke and I woke back up.
Without all that figuring out and thinking and working out and mapping out and feeling some sudden inspiration and getting busy with that then reading more and changing my mind and figuring it out some more there’s just silence.
A big quiet space.
And I’m back in the flow of life again.
I’m at peace, I’m here with my loved ones, my thoughts are flowing and clear, I’m just doing the thing in front of me in this moment with no concern as to where it’s leading or whether I’m doing what I ‘should’ be right now.
My heart is touched and my mind is open.
The thoughts of finding purpose and focus fall away and yet at the same time I’ve probably just stumbled across the greatest thing any of us can find while we’re alive.
It was right there all along.
I found it only when I stopped looking.
How fucking simple is that?
Mind blown. Again.